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I hate when my girlfriend accuses me of something I didn`t think she knew about.
If you can`t remember my name, just say `donuts`. I`ll definitely turn around and look.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.
I might be a day late and a dollar short, but it is still my personal best.
Roses are red, violets are blue, If i had a brick id throw it at you.
It`s hard to trust humans; even the blind prefer to be guided by dogs.
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?
If noone comes from the future to stop you, how bad of a decision could it really be?
One day I`ll look up from my phone and realize my kids put me in a nursing home.
If you people knew how expensive, time consuming and hard this stalking stuff is you wouldn`t freak out every time you see me in your bushes.....geesh
Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out everytime you speak.
A dirty mind is f*cking beautiful!
“You look tired” is just a polite way to tell someone they look like sh*t.
Just got back from the car dealership and long story short, I`m now the proud owner of a giant circus tent.