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Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I`m never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.
Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
On the bright side, I`m relieved we live in a society where we acknowledge that the people who make sandwiches are artists.
Don`t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I wasn`t listening anyway.
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
Last year in college football Alabama beat Arkansas, Tennessee, and Auburn. Those teams coaches all resigned. Any chance of Alabama playing agsinst the White House this year?
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
Is it too late to wrap myself up like a baby and drop myself off on a billionaire’s doorstep?
If the cigarette tax is meant to discourage smoking, is the income tax meant to discourage working?
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
I once dated a girl with a parrot. The thing was crazy and never shut up! The parrot was cool though.
I kinda dig you, want to hang out and stuff until we hate each other?
Somehow, hitting the "end call" button on the cell phone just doesn`t feel nearly as good as the old days when you could slam the phone down on somebody.
new years resolution #1: stop losing the powerball
I get butterflies in my stomach every time I eat butterflies.