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I wish my mind had a delete button.
Whenever I see people doing sign language, I assume they are discussing the best way to murder the rest of us and steal our ears.
I´m pretty sure I had a good time last night. Let me finish reading the police report and I´ll let you know.
Does anyone have a good recipe for homemade gasoline?
Donald Trump`s hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting.
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
I am not retreating! I am advancing in a different direction!
Why don`t family members send me money for my birthday anymore? I need it now more than when I was 7
All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you.
I can`t unfriend you because I really enjoy watching the disaster that is your life.
I`m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating. - Guys.
What is depression? Depression is when you buy a new hula-hoop and it fits you.
YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS OF ME is not a good thing to say to your boss.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?