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For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
Not sure what to do with all the daylight we are saving.
What idiot called it Adderall instead of Accomplish Mints?
Id explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
If you didn’t want me stopping by for cake, you shouldn`t have advertised your birthday with balloons & banner on your mailbox.
I’ve decided to get rid of my bad habits…just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.
Bored? Text "Our condom broke." to a random number
If your girlfriend has $15 and you have $30, your girlfriend actually has $45.
Hangovers are nature`s way of grounding you as an adult.
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.
If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there’d be no problems.
Scientists are saying that social media is making us less accepting and more aggressive. Whatever, a$$holes!
I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.
Facebook really needs a “pee on someone’s wall” option.
If you really can make $10,000 a month working from home why would anyone take the harder job of nailing those signs to trees?