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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband.
So far I’ve spent most of 2016 flipping off the weather channel.
I believe in karma, which is why I`m such a d!ck to total strangers, just in case they deserve it.
Sitting in the cinema, ready to watch the movie, then BOOM! The human giraffe sits in front of you
I`m really tired but it`s OK. There`s a nap for that.
Multitasking? I’m not even good at unitasking.
New Life Goal: Get a job where people ask me, "You actually get paid for doing this?"
I wouldn`t consider myself someone that litters but I do turn on my windshield wipers while im driving down the road to get rid of that useless flyer some idiot put on my car when I quickly run into the store.
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
The Family Reunion went pretty good until they all figured out that I wasn`t related to any of them
When I say I can cook, I mean I can melt cheese on stuff.
You can not force anyone to love you ... The best you can do is stalk them and hope they give in :)
A fear of mine is a proctologist with poor depth perception!
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me because she says I was obsessed with football. I was shocked. I mean we were together for 3 1/2 seasons.
I always look out for #1 ... unless I`m walking thru my yard, then I look out for #2