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Thought I saw a kangeroo today turned out to be a greyhound taking a dump !
If we can have HD video from Mars,,, then I should have 4 bars on my phone everywhere I go.
Those kids in the Trix commercials were real jerks. Why couldn’t they just share their cereal with the rabbit?
I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.
I try to avoid things that make me look fat, like scales, mirrors and photographs!
Stall Cleaning service, Satisfaction guaranteed or 100% or you manure back!
Dont piss me off...I`ll give your number to all the kids and tell them it`s Santa`s hot line!
When your wife`s in labour, never sneak a look at the business end; it`s like watching your favourite pub burn down.
Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.
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I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
You know it`s a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.
I`m going to stop off at the fabric store before my next status to get some new material!
I don`t blame Congress. If I had $600 billion, I`d be irresponsible too.
I`m glad I don`t work in an office. I can only imagine the smell at lunch time when everybody opens their egg salad sandwiches today.