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I`m boycotting Kix cereal because of all that kid testing.
I accidentally lit the wrong end of a cigarette-that can`t be healthy!
Let`s simplify this. Deliver a pizza to me every night unless I call.
Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
I am not acting childish and you`re just a big doody-head.
My smoke detectors are always cheering me on for being such a great cook.
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
Some of the best decisions I`ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, `Well, she`s there`
Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.
The bears had it right choosing to hibernate all winter.
I`ve never gone to bed with an ugly woman. Woken up to a whole bunch of them though.
The NFL has hired their first female referee ... She will be throwing flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.
The problem with the girl of my dreams is that she’s never around when I’m awake.
Send me one more game request and I`m showing up at your house drunk, at 4am, naked and demanding a game of Twister