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Sleep is like sex, you never get enough of it and sometimes it feels like it never happened at all.
Who do you have to sleep with around here to sleep with someone around here?!
There comes a time in the day, when no matter what the question, the answer is booze.
I don’t approve of political jokes. I’ve seen too many of them get elected.
Timehop... reminding us that the stupid people we know today were just as stupid 5 years ago.
What idiot decided to call them marijuana dispensaries and not grass stations?
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
this is a status you spent your time reading: sj
Gambling addiction hotlines would do so much better if every fifth caller was a winner.
The songs I like always come on when I’m supposed to be getting out of my car.
Taught a man how to buy fish ... So much easier.
I`m good at counting cards. I keep ending up with 52.
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.
If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
Facebook Proves: That if Family had the Option... they`d Delete ya.