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is frickin awesome! Nough Said.
If your lawyer has a ponytail, you`re going to jail
It`s friday!! I smell vodka ;)
I’m sorry I slapped you. It’s just you seemed like you weren’t going to stop talking and I panicked.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck and looks like a duck then it could be a dragon doing a duck impersonation.
Did you know statistically you`re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a kitchen knife.
ME- I love it when you lay me down like that, the way you touch my belly and put cold things on me baby DOCTOR- Miss this is a medical examination and you are making me extremely uncomfortable
If guys were smart, they’d forget the nightclubs and watch the supermarket for girls who buy frozen dinners and cat food.
I eat a whole pizza before I go to the gym, because a good workout begins with low self-esteem.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 20 billion chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
At what age is it appropriate to tell my friends that they`re imaginary?
Remember before we met? I miss those days.
Hmmmmm,,,, Turns out all this time, I’ve been using a life couch instead of a life coach.
Whoever said time heals all wounds never had their leg bitten off by a shark.