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You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
Someday we’ll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.
If at first you don`t succeed ... run them over
All I`m saying is you don`t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
Relationship status: running out of films on Netflix.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
This beer sure tastes like I`m on vacation next week!
Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.
-buys lottery ticket -fantasizes about winning the lottery -smiles -loses lottery -resumes general hatred for life
Remember before we met? I miss those days.
Struggling to get your wife`s attention?.....just sit down and look comfortable.
My sex life is like a Ferrari ... I don`t have a Ferrari
What do 95% of men do after an orgasm? Delete their browser history.
Our kids biggest challenge will be to find a username that`s not already taken.