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My idea of heaven consists of all of the things I’d go to hell for.
I send more time looking for porn than actually watching it.
Peyton Manning saw his shadow this morning...that means six more weeks of bad Papa Johns commercials.
At long last, I`ve finished my research into the effect alcohol has on physical movement.....The results were, quite frankly, staggering.
Look, if your cart is in the middle of the aisle and I need to get by, then yes, this is bumper cars.
I`ll bet other dogs must think that poodles belong to some weird religious cult.
doesn`t mind that people start spreading rumors about me.. it’s when they spread the truth that I’m screwed ;)
If everything goes as planned, tonight I shall drink myself beautiful.
Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.
Swearing releases stress and that`s just one of the f*cking reasons I do it.
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
If you`re going to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 10am, don`t be open.
"There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor
My ex-wifes facebook status said "I`m depressed and on the edge"... So I poked her!
Black holes must be where God divided by zero.