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I bet you $567.89 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Some of the best decisions I’ve ever made involved me clicking cancel instead of send.
They should start selling Photoshop CD`s at cosmetic shops.
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
My neighbor came rudely banging at my door at 2:30 am, luckily for him I was up practicing on my new drums
Bring me the heads of my enemies!! or some cupcakes ... whichever.
Weird that we don`t see more pants on fire
I have no idea what a bejeezus is,,, but apparently mine scares easy.
You don`t need training to be a street cleaner, you just pick it up as you go along.
You bring the friendship, I`ll bring the benefits.
Behind every good selfie is approximately 47 nearly identical pictures that didn’t make the cut.
This debate episode has to be the craziest Celebrity Apprentice I`ve ever seen!
I think 90% of the software on my computer doesn`t do anything except send me notices that there`s a new version of it!
I feel like a nickle in the March of Dimes.