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If the planet is 4 billion plus yrs old. Is 2017 really the correct new year.
Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
A “buttload” of underwear would be exactly one pair.
Life is like a box of chocolates and you`re on a diet so you can`t even enjoy it.
If someone hates you for no reason, give that motherf*cker a reason.
When my dog sniffs another dog`s poop I can only assume that it`s their equivalent to checking a friend`s facebook page.
No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don`t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.
Dear middle finger, Thank you for sticking up for me.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes
I was about to do something awesome, again, but I told myself “Enough is enough, that’s plenty of awesome for one day”
Word to the wise - make sure the phone is 100% hung up before you call someone an a$$hole.
I used to like my neighbors until they changed the password to their wi-fi :)
I`m running out of reasons to call into work. Do you think "emergency circumcision" is a good excuse?
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.