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I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
I will do a lot of things but admitting I`m cold to my wife who told me to bring a warmer jacket isn`t one of them...
Seems like Pizza Hut should be able to afford a house by now.
If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
I’m pretty busy today, so if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me that would be great. Thanks!
How to live a happy life: 1)Do whatever you want 2)Don`t worry 3)Eat whatever you want 4)Don`t take advice from strangers on the internet
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
Remember, pretty much all of the “tough guys” you see on TV and movies were theater majors in college.
You call them “cuss words.” I choose to call them “sentence enhancers.”
I was the hot single in my area the whole time.
I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.
I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it`s about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.
I hate brushing my teeth at night. It signifies I can`t have any more food and I`m never ready for that kind of commitment.
Whenever you`re powerless, remember: A single one of your pubic hairs can shut down a restaurant.