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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
I had s*x with my friend`s wife last night and now I feel awful. She must have had the flu or something.
"We have smaller, secret pants that we wear under our normal pants..." - me explaining underwear to aliens.
Dyslexics of the world.. UNTIE!
Did anyone else ever wonder why the Easter Bunny gave away chocolate eggs? Last I checked, bunnies don’t lay eggs. What kind of sick new species is this?
I put a bumper sticker that says "Honk if You Think I`m Sexy" on my car. Then I wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
I`m leaving my body to science fiction
I think my credit card looks weird. Could you send me a picture of yours so I can compare?
I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mom’s bedroom. I can’t believe it.. She’s a superhero!
Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I`m now completely lost & 90 miles away from home.
Oh the weather outside is frightful, And this booze is damn delightful