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I’m probably single because I forgot to forward those chain messages from 2008.
As a man I am so thankful I don`t have to give birth. I could never go nine months without drinking.
Spicy food is like BDSM for your mouth
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
If I had any self control I`d probably eat that too.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
My brother didnt take kindly to jail. He refused food & drink, and smeared feces on the walls. That`s the last time we`re playing Monopoly.
I remember when going viral meant having to tell several people they better get tested.
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face...
That awkward moment when Adele finds someone like me
If my body is EVER found dead on a designated jogging trail.. Just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.. :|
I love the smell of a liquor store in the morning!
Follow your dreams. Unless it’s a person ... apparently they call that stalking.
I would want to change my name to `Nobody` on Facebook. So when someone updates something stupid it says `Nobody likes this`
Ugh, stalkers are horrible. You`d think someone could`ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.