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That`s weird, all this time I thought the Birds and the Bees was a dance from the 50`s.
Some people are like water balloons; they`re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Hey NSA, we all know you`re there now. So click the approve on my Candy Crush ticket request.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
To the woman that won the powerball ... "what`s up baby"
Shopping for bridesmaid dresses with 5 other women, today. If you never hear from me again, I committed suicide by nail file.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount...
The girl in the car next to me is totally checking me out. I think she likes me. After I`m done picking my nose, I`m gonna smile and wave.
Freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door.
You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
Accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to pull my blanket up, if that doesn`t accurately describe my life I don`t know what does
It`s so expensive being a woman. I know because I have financed a few.
More people should be at a loss for words.
The Braille on the drive-thru ATM actually says, "Move to the passenger seat"
Saw some girl pull up to her mailbox, open her door & then fall entirely out of her car while reaching for the mail ... JK ...It was me.