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Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
"Grow a pear." - How to insult an apple tree.
When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found.
"Karate" is an old Japanese word that means, "My kid can`t hit a baseball."
went to vegas: put a coin in the machine and a prize came out, put another coin and another prize came out...problem is i don`t know what to do with all these empty cans now.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won`t eat you. If that doesn`t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
Peanut butter and jelly. That´s what I like in my belly
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
1: Say "Unh! 2: Mumble three spanish words. 3: list four cities. You just made a Pitbull song.
We should start seeing Valentine`s Day crap in the stores any minute now.
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
People who eat grapes are impatient alcoholics
You don`t appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things, like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
Some people you know was dropped on their heads as babies. Some were clearly thrown in the air, hit the ceiling fan, bounced off the wall and fell out the window.
I didn’t get the job… heading home.. Good Bye Rome.. until we meet again.