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Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . . have fun!
I am not available because I am looking at porn that takes up the whole computer screen
My wife and I decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.
My 14 year old sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added "not in your pajamas". So I`m wearing hers because good moms listen.
Always wonder why do people even bother making good quality pinatas?
If you’re going to walk really slowly in front of me you should at least have the courtesy to have a slammin booty.
I accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again.
I got this weird condition where I drink a case of beer and fall down.
I`m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it`s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I`m still better than you.
loosing weight tip: turn your head to the left then to the right. Do this everytime you are offered food.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who opens up their Hershey Kisses ever so gently so that the foil doesn’t tear.
I`m so bitchy right now ... I won`t even talk to myself!!
Sometimes I wish you could order Karma like flowers and have it delivered.
People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.
I really have to stop using this little microphone on my phone that types whatever you say as it keeps making mistakes punctuation point