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You don`t see faith healers working in hospitals, just like you don`t see psychics winning the lottery every week.
Cashiers are always checking me out.
A plus side to being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas and I won’t judge you because I too will be in my pajamas.
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? ... My good T-shirt is still in the wash...
Adding "just sayin" to a smart-a$$ed comment makes you even more of an a$$hole. Just sayin
Sex ed class should be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
Game of Thrones characters should have to wear jerseys with their names on the back
did you notice when you yell "yo ugly" about 10 people turn around
They should paint the bottom of swimming pools with satellite photos so it feels like you’re flying.
Its amazing how much more tolerable thanksgiving with the family becomes after the 5th cocktail…
I read in the Bible that people used to get stoned to death, that`s a lot of weed.
I was being taught to use some machinery today, and I was quizzed as to the rules of it`s use. When asked what the first rule is I responded, "You do not talk about Fight Club."
Life is fun! You should get one.
Im at my classiest when my neighbor catches me begging my dog to sh!t faster because it`s cold.
My friend told me his girlfriend talks a lot in her sleep..Apparently "I know" was not the right answer...