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Haters are my motivators(:
If history repeats itself, I´m totally getting a dinosaur.
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
Hey, how long are you supposed to chase someone after they steal your wallet? Cause I`m getting tired of running and he`s catching up to me.
Some things make you go hmm. Some things make you go ugh! I make you go "Did he really just say that?"
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it`s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree ... I think I found my spirit animal.
If only someone on the internet would give me their opinion on the election.
I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card and said to my Mom ,Look I got a B in reading , She said that`s a D you moron !
I will never miss you, because I`m a really good shooter.
Im having a problem in Call Of Duty, I go to the menu and... alright by now the girls have stopped reading this, anyone know any good porn sites?
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Guy on plane: So, where are you going? Me: I`m guessing it`s the same place you`re going.
The older I get, the more I understand someone`s desire to just say-"F*ck it. I`m going to be drunk all the time & live under this bridge."