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I`m at my most relaxed around dogs and prescription drugs.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
I’ve thought long and hard, and have decided on my New Year’s resolution ... 1024×768.
I don`t care if you`re here to murder me - we take our shoes off in this house.
Hey.. The tequila I drank wants to tell you a secret.
I`m at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.
I wouldn`t be surprised if my kids think the phrase "goddamn douchebag" means someone who pulls out in front of your car without signaling.
Hey Gotham City criminals, why isn’t the first thing on your to-do list “Unplug the Bat Signal”?
Soup of the day: Beer
Don`t mistake my middle finger as an offer.
I know how to wink my eye in like twelve different languages.
It`s funny how many people I have in my phones contact list who all have the same name Do Not Answer.
This is not the status message you are looking for .... Move along
You can`t be late until you show up