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My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update bar as the search bar on my browser.
I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
Sorry I got drunk and said and did everything I wanted to say and do.
The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.
If you play any Taylor Swift song backwards you`ll hear messages from the devil, however even worse........... if you play it forwards, you`ll hear Taylor Swift
30+ and single? There`s an app for that. Wait. My mistake. A cat for that.
I`m changing my facebook username to NOBODY so that way when people post crappy posts, and i press the like button it will say NOBODY likes this
Ran out of toilet paper, so I had to use leaves. Just kidding, but my son learned a big lesson about leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor.
Am I supposed to bring condoms to a speed dating event? How fast do these things actually go?
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
Ya .... That Supermoon was OK ..... But I was quite disappointed when I realized it didn`t even have a cape.
Half the time spent on Facebook is likely spent by creeping people and /or staring at the screen waiting for something interesting to happen.
There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.
I finished your laundry, the ashes are in the fireplace.
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!