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Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. Im pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
Never take advice from someone more miserable than you are.
For once I`d like to see "It`s been a crappy year, mainly cause your were part of it"
If history repeats itself, I´m totally getting a dinosaur.
Fellas.....the girl on the flyer is never at the club
I`m 42 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Maybe the reason the world keeps making idiots famous is because 75% of the world is made up of idiots.
I am the head of this household, and I have my wife`s permission to say so.
Breast awareness month: we stare because we care
If you needed to wear camouflage in a gingerbread house, would you wear ginger snaps?
Intelligence is like underwear. It`s important that you have it but there`s no need to show it off.
I’m the type of person who looks at the menu for five minutes but ends up ordering the same exact thing every time.
I`m so poor I went to the ducks today to beg for bread...
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.