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How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
"I really should buckle down and get my rap album going"-Me, every time I drink
Thank you Lord for this delicious meal we are about to Instagram.
Was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently, "A way out" wasn`t the right answer...
"I got this." Translated: I most certainly do not have this, but prepare to be thoroughly entertained.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eegs
I`m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
I have never faked a sarcasm in my entire life!
just realised SATURDAY has the word TURD in it
When everything else fails... you always have delusion.
When I first went on the pill, I put on some weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
I cant wait to show everyone at work my new cough
I`m on that “Starts tomorrow” diet.
If you play my workday backwards, it`s actually a nice story about idiots getting less and less annoying.