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A birth control pill a day keeps the mini-van away.
Today would be a great day to leave a note on a random car that says "I know what you did".
Next time you take your dog for a walk pretend he`s solving a mystery.
Halloween always exposes my weakness for Milk Duds, I am powerless. Tomorrow I will attend MDA, Milk Duds Anonymous
"I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!
You can’t choose your family, but you can ignore their phone calls.
Acting like a mature adult is super easy if you hate having fun.
Did you know, the designated driver is usually the guy having the most luck with the ladies.
It’s pretty scary that before facebook… All these thoughts and stuff just stayed in peoples heads.
Ebay is really getting worse and worse to use. Yesterday I searched for a cigarette lighter. I got 3,974, 601 matches...
The best part about being over 40 is we did most of our stupid stuff before the internet.
True love is biting a slice of pizza when you`re fully aware that it will burn the roof of your mouth.
I hate waiting until I`m dead. I want to haunt people now dammit.
To be clever can be difficult without caffiene.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you`re really clingy and annoying