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My dog acts like his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
Today I think I`ll go to a public restroom and wait until someone leaves, then click your stopwatch and write something down in a notebook.
Beer is good, but beers are better.
I give 2 star movies 5 stars on Netflix because if I sat through this piece of sh!t, I want you to as well.
I`m considering buying a racehorse and naming it, "My Face". Just so I can hear everyone in the stands scream "Come on, My face!!"...
*breaking news music plays* Last thought of the night: Why is now everyone talkin` bout "twerkin`"? Man, that shyt been `round since the days of Hammer pants and spandex shorts!!!!
Sometimes the smartest thing you can do is play dumb.
Baby gates are parents` way of saying "this area is locked until you’ve gained more experience."
Women have closets full of `I have nothing to wear.`
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses...
Sometimes I`ll go out in public and socialize with people, those times are called alibis.
Me: You’re the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen. Her: You just want to have sex with me. Me: And you’re smart too, I like that.
"Better to be pissed off than pissed on!" Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I`m not angry or covered in piss.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
There is no time to check time