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I wish I had a friend like me
According to Tetley the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag so i slap her arse and shout "cup ot tea fatty"
When we catch the people who kill elephants & rhinos, can we pull all their teeth first?
Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
I don`t care how much you like the soap. Never leave a public restroom smelling your fingers.
You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.
I followed my heart...Now I`m at the liquor store.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day to the fool that gave up alcohol for Lent.
You call it free samples, I call it a free all you can eat buffet.
I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?
Would you like to save money on your car insurance? Walk ... Just sayin
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket. Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I want the drugs of the first guy who was like "DUDE, let`s carve a face into a pumpkin."