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Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous...Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.
I’ve come to the realization that the trash goes out more than I do.
You can test my patience all you want, but I’m never going to pass.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
Rubix cubes are EASY....when you`re color blind.
I wanna steal a Krispy Kreme truck and go on a high speed chase just because it`d be funny to watch a bunch of cops chase a donut truck
A good example of mixed emotions would be finding a hundred dollar bill nailed to your tire.
I enjoy planting sex toys at yard sales in nice neighborhoods, then sit back to watch the magic unfold.
It would serve me better if they put shopping carts in the middle of the store where my pride realizes I have too much stuff to carry.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She is nine-seven now, and we don`t know where they hell she is.
If something on this page offends you, please bring it to our attention so we can all laugh at you.
I`m awesome...just ask me...!!!!
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
FACT: There’s always room for another cupcake.
How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there`s something seriously wrong with Eeyore