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Instead of exes, they should be called whys.
It’s hard to get a lot done when you’re busy having a snack every 15 minutes
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn`t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat...
I have no problem texting while driving, but I won’t text while going down stairs. That sh!t’s dangerous.
You know your old when your back goes out more than you do.
I think the Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day.
Fish who are caught and released are like the aquatic equivalent of people who claim to have been abducted by aliens.
Some of my best memories are naps.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Unless you fell off the stairmaster and a barbell fell on your face... no one wants to hear about your workout.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
I only drink coffee because cocaine is too expensive.
Mirror mirror on the wall, I am sexy; screw you all.
Wow, it`s beautiful outside. I should probably do something. Like close the blinds so there isn`t a glare on my screen.