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Please excuse me for talking while you were interrupting.
During Sex you burn as much calories as running 5 miles ... Who the f*ck runs 5 miles in 30 seconds.
Anyone know when Facebook is sending us our W-2`s?
I made a chicken salad today... The little bastard didn`t even eat it.
I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.
Whoa! Thank you warning label! I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
’twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming ... cuz I went into the wrong house.
my friends status was "standing on the edge of a cliff" ... so I poked him
I hate it when my cat leaves a dead Smart Car on my doorstep.
Nobody on television curses more than the Roadrunner.
I know it’s rain but I hate when my coworker tell me how many inches they got last night.
Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!
Why can`t we just change the spelling to fit the way it sounds: Bologna = Bolony Lasagna = lasania knife= nife tsunami = sunami politician = a$$hole