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Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Auctioneers are proof white guys could rap if they tried hard enough.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
I am one of those people who presses every button in the elevator when I`m getting out =]
Law enforcement`s cracking down on texting while driving, but there`s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Nothing is more discouraging that unappreciated sarcasm.
I have enough leftover Halloween candy to get me to leftover Valentine`s Day candy time.
IRS: We`ve got what it takes to take what you`ve got.
Whenever I give money to the homeless, I get yelled at that "they are just gonna buy booze with it". All I can think is ... Oh like I wasn`t ..
Never make the same mistake twice, There are so many new ones, Try a different one each day.
I like how Reese`s come with two peanut butter cups in the package. That way I can eat one now and then the other one right afterwards.
I like to start my day by taking a shower, having some coffee and going online for 14-16 hours.
It`s not stalking if you love them!
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.