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Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
Let`s all play a game: For every political post, you must post 5 non political posts. #makefacebookhappyagain
You know your old when your back goes out more than you do.
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
I love my six pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
I need medical attention, but I will settle for just regular attention.
If you`re in a hole, stop digging...
I will kill you with kindness even if I have to beat the shit out of you.
I was standing in front of the mirror earlier, admiring my six pack for hours. But it got really warm so I put it back in the fridge.
Oh, you fell in love?! I fell in my bathtub.
When I think of a selfie, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of
I`m sorry, we can`t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at a floor and think, "I`d so tap that."
Kids maybe a gift..... But I like playing with the box it came in.