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Jimmy is short for James? This is where I think English is stupid. They have the same number of letters. Do they even know what short means?
My head says “go to the gym” but my heart says, “stay on the internet forever and eat!”
I`ve ended up encountering much less porridge than I had expected I would as a child.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
"Don`t make me regret this." -things I think when accepting a friend request.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it`s like excuse me, I`m working here.
Still hoping that one day I get to ride a kayak while it`s strapped to the top of someone`s car.
Some people see a glass as half empty. Some see a glass as half full. Most need to get a life & do something besides stare at glasses.
"I don`t see color." - A person who shouldn`t eat snow.
Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like `Stabbyrabbit` or `Weaponrat`
Sometimes Google should just come back with a message that says “trust me, you don’t want to know.”
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
Why don`t the post office get the Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.
To the guy who invented Zero: Thanks for nothing!
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.