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Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I’m heading north to start a new life.
If you have attention deficit disorder, throwing boomerangs isn`t for you.
He died doing what he loved: telling me I`m overreacting.
Give a fish something for once for f*cks sake
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
If by self-help you mean helping myself to all the liquor in your cabinet... Then yeah... I`m about as self-helpful as they come.
Even though I`m only 29, I know I`m going to die a bitter, lonely, miserable old man ... I`m married.
Amnesia sounds so relaxing.
never tell a lie...unless it is true
OMG, what a day I had. If Monday was a guy, I`d punch him in the throat!
I robbed a bank yesterday....now the question is, what to do with all that sperm....
I’ve never been a millionaire, but I know I’d be excellent at it.
Saw a chameleon today, so I`m assuming it wasn`t a very good one.
People who say you can´t buy happiness just don´t know where to shop.