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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
I did responsible things all day so tonight will consist of nothing that even resembles responsibility.
Don`t worry about the grass on the other side. It`s not your grass.
why would you go outside? that`s where bugs live
Have you seen that new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4in of it. DO NOT carry it in your back pocket!
For Lent I`ve decided to give up my New Year`s Resolutions
Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.
Day six of my push-up challenge. So far, I`ve eaten 107 push-up pops.
Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.
My New Years resolution is to be more assertive if that`s okay with you guys?
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
Love makes the world go round, but alcohol makes it go round twice as fast!
Know what? If they had Neosporin back in 1931, that nasty scar on Frankenstein`s forehead would have been far less noticeable.
Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.
People who really love their jobs are annoying. Keep that sh!t to yourself.