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If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I`d choke to death swallowing it.
Why does the need to pee intensify by million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house.
I used to wonder what it was like to read people’s minds. Then I got a Facebook account and I got over it.
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don`t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
I have a tremendous sex drive ... My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.
Find someone who is honest, laughs when you make fun of them, and then give each other orgasms.
You don`t need training to be a street cleaner, you just pick it up as you go along.
You had me at "do we need to stop at the liquor store on the way to your place"
You’d be more impressed with me if you never met anyone else.
People really need to get with the times. Smartphones are not for talking anymore.
Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart? hmm...
I`m going to stop off at the fabric store before my next status to get some new material!
The only rule of the Chess Club is to hide from the Fight Club.
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found `mute` by now.
When in doubt, read Facebook Statuses, you`ll see you`re not the only crazy one around