Daily Silly Status

I`m pretty sure if I put what was actually on my mind as my Facebook status, all my friends would delete me.

If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately

Next time you order coffee at Starbucks tell them your name is Bueller and then leave the store.

How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.

Math questions are so stupid! They’re like “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other, what do I have?” Oh I dunno, a drinking problem maybe?

Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”

I realized that at my income level "Wealth Management" really just means re-organizing the money in my wallet by denomination.

If u cant live without me, why aren`t you dead yet.

If it looks like a pig and walks like a pig, do me a favor & tell my ex girlfriend I said hello.

The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus

I just came online to check the weather. That was 12 years ago.

No, I don`t have tourette syndrome..I was just telling you what I think of you.

Whoever convinces blind people that they need sunglasses,, is one heck of a salesman....

My stove top knob reads, LO | 2 | 4 | 6 | 8 | 10 | HI......so what is Med-High, Medium Low?...They just need to lay it out for me in numbers! Like "set stove top to 8." no wait, 9.? Food manufacturerers and stove manufactuerers need to get toghether on this! So let me see,..... (me thinking)....if ten is high...5 is medium that means 7.5..... WAIT!.....low would be 0 so HI would be 12???....WTF!!! forget about simmer!........HEY KIDS! WHO WANTS PIZZA!

When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.