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A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
I believe pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane...
Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.
I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.
When choosing a name for your daughter, imagine her being announced in a strip club. If she doesn`t need a stage name, pick something else.
Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
I got this weird condition where I drink a case of beer and fall down.
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there`s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
The phrase "Don`t take this the wrong way." has a zero percent success rate.
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald`s Playland ball pit
When I see a shoe on the side of the road I wonder if Cinderella is in a nearby house.
We think therefore we must be, but are we?