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I like to sit outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say "You can see me?"
“Do you have a charger?” is the new “Could I bum a cigarette?”
I love how stars are billions of miles apart and we`re like "that`s a soup ladle".
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
If Harry Potter is so magical then why can’t he fix his eye sight?
I kind of feel like getting some work done today, so I’m just going to sit here until that feeling passes.
So many idiots, so few nuclear warheads....
All men approve of premarital sex......until they have a daughter.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care.
Dear paranoid people who check behind their shower curtains for murderers, If you do find one, what`s your plan? ;)
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
It is impossible to simultaneously keep up a) hope and b) with the Kardashians.
Cop: Sir what is in the bottle next to you? Man: It`s water *hands the cop the bottle* Cop: Sir, this is wine. Man: Jesus did it again!
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.