Daily Silly Status

The worst part of being naked is not having pockets.

I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was "I bet a cupcake wouldn`t have done this to me."

I don`t want to set the world on fire........just you.

I’m mad, but not as mad as someone asking to see the rules in the middle of a monopoly game.

I had to explain the Goonies today... so I`m feeling super old and bitter.

It deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer are in the rghit pcale. The rset can be a toatl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a pobelrm. Tihs is buseace the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Tihs wulod not be psibsole if yuor sutipd. I hpoe for yuor skae you wree albe to raed tihs or taht maens yuor an idoit or barin dmagaed.

Roasting marshmallows is great because it combines dessert and playing with fire.

They say 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship. I`m not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.

Is Google a boy or a girl? Obviously it`s a girl because it won`t let you finish your sentence without suggesting other ideas

You can get super human strength when put in life or death situations. Last night I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth during a tantrum...

If I have nosy neighbors, I always like to dig five 7 ft. x 3 ft. x 6 ft. holes in the back yard and every couple of days, Fill one in.

I`m actually kind of handsome when you`re drunk and the light is low and there are no other dudes around and you have low standards.

Teacher:If I had 2 oranges in my left hand and 2 mangoes in my right hand, what would I have?? Student:Big hands!!

New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!

Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.