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Will be drunk until further notice.
Two days is not enough time for a weekend.
I love tan lines... it`s like God came down and high-lighted all the good parts... ;-)
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and texted me 3 days later asking if I have a girlfriend yet.
I love my six-pack so much, I protect it with a layer of fat.
If this cold snowy weather doesn`t clear up soon, I may never get in the mood to take down the Christmas tree-
What flickering lights mean: 1% electrical problems. 99% demons.
is having one of those days where they feels like lighting someones face on fire and then trying to put it out with a fork
I`m out like a fat kid playing dodge ball..
I don`t get women. Also, I don`t understand them.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just lost my mood ring, I don`t know how I feel about that.
Who ever says "words can`t hurt you" has never been hit in the face with a dictionary.
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.
I wonder who the first person was to see an egg come out of a chickens butt and think...`That looks tasty, I`m gonna eat that.`