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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
The secret to eternal life and happiness could be hidden in the Terms & Conditions and we would never know.
"Don`t make me regret this." -things I think when accepting a friend request.
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
Stapling water to a tree is easier than controlling your laughter at serious times.
The only thing worse than "the one who got away" is "the one who won`t go away."
If at first you don`t succeed ... run them over
I’d be much more interested in meeting people if I didn’t think most people were idiots.
I don`t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense ... Like a Bear at mile 3
I heard she was born naked!! That slut!
Pool is my favorite sport because you don`t have to run and there`s beer five feet away.
I`d like to have a child one day ... Two days, tops.
The roof of the McDonalds in my town has 38 Pickle slices on it from times I ordered sh!t without pickles in it.
I really like this new reality show "Neighbor Without Drapes"