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I’m giving co-workers the silent treatment by sending them blank emails.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Starting to believe I`m trouble
If you can’t afford to go on vacation, you can always drink until you don’t know where you are!
I have an oven with a "stop time" button. It´s probably meant to be "stop timer" but I don´t touch it, just in case.
You never hear skinny people saying, "I`m just small boned."
The word “fireplace” really reveals the creativity of our ancestors
My Ex-Wife: Our relationship is like being in prison! ME: I don’t think so. People have sex in prison.
If I`ve offended you in the past, please accept my apology, and shove it up your a$$.
Holidays are a lot of fun until you realize you`ve been dating the ugly sister
Not only am I a master of suspense, but I...
Some days you`re the Titanic, some days you`re the iceberg, and some days you`re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me " maybe life isn`t for everyone"
Some of my friendships are bad for my liver.
Never compliment a lady on her mustache no matter how magnificent it is