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I don`t know which is worse... waiting for someone to get out of the bathroom so you can use it or hearing them say "come in" when you knock on the bathroom door...
I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
If Jehovah`s witnesses brought pizza and beer with them, I`d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
People who help you find what you are looking for in a liquor store should be called "Spirit Guides."
My mind says diet, but my stomach is all SHUT UP BITCH.
At this age, I drive everything like I stole it because sometimes I forget which car is mine.
Today I learned that not all people like ventriloquists. Particularly my gynecologist.
Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
Life is just better when you’re laughing.
I hate it when I`m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?
Why is it called “after dark” when it really is “after light”?
In Canada, she`s Kilometery Cyrus.
Guys be like, "Lets play 21 question." Girl: Ok, what`s your favorite color? Boy: Triangle, so you a virgin?
My body needs a refresh button.