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People say, “You have to work on a marriage.” I say, “No thank you. I already have a job
Delete cookies? Why on Earth would I want to do that?! I LOVE COOKIES
9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
DAMN! I`m so drunk that I cooked a pizza for 450 minutes at 15 degrees.
You can test my patience all you want, but I’m never going to pass.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
Sometimes I wonder if these old men sitting on the benches in the mall waiting on their wives to finish shopping were old when they sat down!?
Lust is not real love and Tombstone is not real pizza, but both are fine when you`re drunk.
If the shoe fits . . . buy one in every color
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she`s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Women use sex to get stuff, men lose stuff because of sex.
I believe that every person has a story to tell...which is why I stay at home.