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Remember the good old days when making the “duck face” involved 2 Pringles?
Don`t ask me how my night was coz I don`t know. I was asleep.
Back in my day, we didn’t have computers or the internet. Everyone had to walk uphill for days to tell me I’m an a$$hole.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
To-Do List: Nothing [?]
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
I was looking all over for my ambition today......well, It wasn`t under this 12 pack, so I`ll look tomorrow.
The best thing about being single is all the sleeping around you can do…I can sleep all over my bed!
It`s such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
Why do people say "nice to meet you" before I`ve even said anything? How do you know it`s nice to meet me? I`m an a$$hole.
When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomachs.
Sometimes I watch sports holding an xbox controller just to screw with my girlfriend`s head...
The trouble with living alone is that it`s always my turn to do dishes.
I think it`s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song called "Maybe I`m the Problem"
I`m telling you, Godzilla must have feet made of steel. I step on a Lego and can`t walk for a month.