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A friend of mine asked what it`s like to raise a small toddler so I coughed directly in his mouth
I told the monster in my closet that coming out of there would make him gay. Ha!!,,That solves that problem.
Currently in the planning stages for a hangover.
No matter how little I do in a day. I always feel like I could have done less.
Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn`t."
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called “Identity Theft”.
In space they just call it "Jam"
im so hungry, im farting fresh air
Actually officer, I`d prefer to think that vodka smells like me.
There`s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed...
It`s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side, my roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing.
why don`t we get discounts for ringing up our own groceries in self checkout?
It`s really cold out there folks. If you`re heading to Wal-Mart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.
I`m good at counting cards. I keep ending up with 52.
Chillin: the art of doing nothing without being bored.