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I`ve just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library. Apparently someone`s taken the appendix out.
I`m going to buy a new dictionary. After watching Final Destination 5, I clearly don`t understand the meaning of Final.
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
I try to live my life by the saying: “You scratch my back and I’ll let you know when to stop.”
Forecast for the weekend... mild alcoholism, with a 70% chance of poor decisions and impaired judgement. Increasing chance of regret and hangover for Sunday.
Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...
What happened to all the Sour Patch parents?
Just once...one time; can`t we buy a tree that doesn`t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
I can´t wait for summer. One of my highlights of summer is talking into the fan to hear my robot voice.
Ugly is such an ugly word. If I must describe an ugly person I´d prefer to use the term "handsomely-challenged"
The ideal man doesn`t smoke, doesn`t drink, doesn`t do drugs, doesn`t swear, doesn`t get angry, doesn`t exist
Him: What to play Trivial Pursuit? Her: Sure, But I,m not that smart. Him: What to play strip Trivial Pursuit?
We’ve solved so many world problems, and yet chocolate still has calories.
I`d like to help you out ... Which way did you come in?
My 5 year plan is to watch Netflix. All of it.