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Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you`re in.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
Hard butter is the devil.
Have you noticed that it`s only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......
Rubix cubes are EASY....when you`re color blind.
My son asked what it is like to be married, so I deleted all the music on his ipod except 1 song.
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eegs
The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.
Sunday morning = lazy lay in my bed and fart under my sheets all day :)
Adulthood is basically sadness and paying bills.
A good friend will bail you out of jail. A great friend will be handcuffed next to you saying that was fun
Hangry: (noun) a state of anger caused by lack of food. May evoke negative change in emotional state. Translation -- Feed me or I`ll kill you.
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.
So I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending.