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I just did my budget for August. If I don`t buy food ... I won`t need toilet paper. I think I`m on to something here.
I eat cake every day because I know somewhere out there, it`s someone`s birthday and I need to show respect.
Don`t tell me I look tired unless you`re offering to carry me
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
All`s not lost my Friends. It won`t be long til people realize Selfie Sticks also make wonderful lightning rods......
The worst about the weekend?? The ending part.
My mom just walked in and called me gay... If my nails weren`t drying i swear to God..
According to my fitness app, I watched TV for 6 miles this week.
Does anyone else get scared when a text reads "Can I ask you a question?"
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Currently under the influence of cold and flu medicine...my actions can not be held against me!
It`s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she`s on a whole other level.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station`s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Girls here`s an idea, instead of spending all that money on makeup. Just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.
You know a woman really loves you when she vandalizes your car after an argument.