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If someday we all go to prison for downloading Movies and TV shows, I just hope they split us up by genre.
I always get naked before I get in bed so I don`t know why this lady at Sears is giving me a dirty look in the mattress section.
Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
Please accept this bundle of fragrant plants grown expressly to be killed while in their prime as a token of my love for you.
I can`t believe The Stones are still doing it after all these years. Someday I want to have a marriage like Fred and Wilma.
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don`t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
I wonder if Batman knows that other cities have crime, too.
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
Single women come home, see what`s in the fridge and go to bed...while married women come home see what`s in the bed and go to the fridge.
I saved over $1000.00 on Black Friday. I stayed home and didn`t shop.
Fun Fact: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.
My mind is like "LETS DO THIS SH!T" but my body is like "calm down motherf*cker"
As a kid, I used to be afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I’m terrified of the electricity bill.