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Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons!! Enjoy the day
I consider anything that doesn`t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
I’m giving up on the silent treatment. ...Going to start talking to myself again.
Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.
Ermegerd! I WON EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH!!!!! Again! I love being self employed..
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche.
I dreamed about you last night, and so you know; Shame on you!!
If you can´t read this, you´re illiterate.
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!
Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
It`s remarkable how much I can get done out of sheer spite.
Based on the number of smoke breaks they take, I’m pretty sure the only reason my co-workers have a job is to pay for their cigarettes.
Dr. Oz says having 1/2 hour of sex is equivalent to running 6 miles. I guess I`m going to the gym today.
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.