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Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He`s not ill, just really crappy in bed.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
"Wife dragged me to this theater. Somebody shoot me." -Abraham Lincoln`s last Tweet.
Weird is just a side effect of being awesome.
You know you`re poor when you sneak into Sam`s Club with some random family just to eat samples for lunch. Yay... Christmas
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope`s car.
You know that awkward moment when you thought someone`s talking to you so you reply to them , then they look at you weird .
The more I get to know you, the more I`m convinced that you are the sole inspiration behind many medications.
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
If at first you don’t succeed, you shouldn’t diffuse bombs.
Day 10: I am thankful there are only 20 days left for all my friends to be thankful about how awesome their lives are.
One man`s LOL is another man`s WTF
Ice skating is just walking in cursive.
I call in sick on full moons just to make them wonder.