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I`m 99.9% certain that every time a sock goes missing in the dryer, it comes back as an extra tupperware lid
I´ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
The funniest thing about this Facebook status is by the time you realize it doesn`t say anything important, it`s to late for you to stop reading it ... sucker
You can`t Febreze bullshit.
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Recent survey asked people in the U.S if there are too many immigrants: 17% said yes, 83% said Lo siento, no hablan Inglés
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Time to get Star Spangled hammered. Happy 4th you crazy Americans.
I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
Took the ice from my ice bucket challenge and put it in my whisky.
If you want to call a family meeting just turn off the wifi router and wait in the room in which it is located
I don´t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
There is nothing like sitting naked in a beanbag chair eating Cheetos. I hope they let me back in Walmart.