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My iPhone autocorrected "wish you were here" to "wish you were beer" ...I sent it anyways.
Sometimes it`s nice to know karma is still a feisty little b!tch.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
Why do the people with the most annoying voices always appear to have the worst case of verbal diarrheal??!!
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains is great news for stupid people.
My innocent look never works in the nude.
If you`re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
It`s all sh*ts and giggles till somebody giggles and sh*ts
I don’t drink water, unless it’s been through a brewery first.
Thanksgiving advice: Sit at the kids table for as many years as possible.
Neil Armstrong lands on the moon: 5 pictures. Girl goes to Bathroom: 47 pictures.
There’s gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to “Baby Got Back.”
The phrase "the truth shall set you free" does not apply to murder.
I lost my ladder when I was very young but I was fortunate to have such a great step-ladder to raise me ...anytime I couldn`t reach anything
A company has announced a new service where you carpool with strangers. It`s a new cutting-edge technology called "taking the bus."