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SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
I don`t just sing in my shower, I perform.
Look at the keyboard. It has `U` and `I` together. Look underneath that. It says `JK`.
I`m always tempted to yell "Kevin!" mid-flight.
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
"I`m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money." -my brain
I’m right 97% of the time…who cares about the other 4%.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Tenderizing the meat sounds a lot sexier than it is
On your birthday I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide.
I bought a Tempurpedic mattress just so that I’d have an excuse to go to sleep with a giant glass of wine every night.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Punctuality is a waste of time since no one is ever there to appreciate it.
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
I’m totally fine with favoritism as long as I’m the favorite.