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"Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we`ll call you a liar." -insurance
Welcome to Alzheimer`s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
Dear Mom, If all my friends jumped off a cliff, it`s because it was my idea. Sincerely, Your child is a leader, not a follower.
Sorry for illegally downloading your music, guy who mostly makes songs about doing crime.
Hey people who buy bottled water for their dogs, can I have some money?
If you`re sick and tired of every Asshole on Facebook asking you to copy and paste stuff as your status, please copy and paste this as your status.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone`s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper "to go"
I am finally old enough to realize my father was right, but now my kids think I am wrong.
I`m not necessarily saying that I am or am not a super hero, but I do occasionally stand with my hands on my hips.
Relationship status: Are you gonna eat that?
I looked up "thesaurus" in my thesaurus and it says "Don`t be a smart-a$$".
Whoever snuck the s in "fast food" was a clever little bastard.
Smelling another person should be a choice.