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The difference between “like” “love” and “in love” is the same as the difference between “for now” “for a while” and “forever”
Dear shaving commercials, stop shaving hairless legs. If you want impress us, please shave a gorilla.
I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!
I wash once and dry 3-4 times, depending on how much I want to delay folding my clothes.
You know you`re addicted to your iphone when you start using your fingers to zoom into things on your laptop computer. Or a printed photo. Or a book. Or your watch.
Every now and then when I`m in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you`re listening". If I`m wrong, nobody knows. If I`m right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
I gave up on humanity when I picked up this girl`s phone and saw that my number was saved as Free Food.
Love means never being able to like another girl’s selfie on Instagram ever again.
Australian kiss. It`s kind of like a French kiss, but down under.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Making fun of someone you`re angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead
I`m high as a kite! Let me rephrase that: I`m stuck in a tree.
People that are organized are just too lazy to look for things.
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.