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If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
I saw that! - Karma
I have no interest in skydiving. I get enough of an adrenaline rush hoping my credit card goes through
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
I can take care of my drunk friends, so the responsibility of having children doesn`t worry me.
It`s not really stalking if you don`t catch me doing it.
Just found out the government won`t hire you past age 37. Scratch Navy SEAL off my to do list
Sorry I said "at least it`s healthy" when you asked me how cute your baby was.
There`s something I need to get off my chest: Darned Cheetos crumbs.
Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 8.
I wonder if strippers have nightmares about accidentally going to work fully clothed?
My wife looks super hot without glasses. That’s why I stopped wearing them.
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.