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I hope Mexico doesn`t raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.
Ziploc`s idea of how big a sandwich should be is very different than mine.
A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
Please pay me in cash. I`m not trying to hide money from the IRS, I`m trying to hide it from the MRS.
Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I`m spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.
It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things literally.
Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.
Today in my local cemetery I came across the grave of Arthur Wynne the inventor of the crossword puzzle. For those that want to know where he is buried it`s 6 down and 4 across.
Went looking for camouflage underwear today.....couldn`t find any
Whenever i see a facebook page Celebrate; "We have reached 200K fans". I just ask myself, do they know how many of those 200K died or left facebook or can`t remember their password after they liked the page?
Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like.
So I met an Egyptian ... they walk just like us.
DiGiorno should start delivering, just to screw with people.
I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.