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My girlfriend and I have an open relationship and will continue to do so right up until she finds out.
Exercise? More like extra fries.
You know what’s funnier than watching someone trip and fall? Absolutely nothing!
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.
If you have a tattoo on your face, you`ve lost the right to ask me what I`m looking at.
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
I’m quite confident that the reason I’m single is because I didn’t forward that chain letter in 2003.
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
I learned two important lessons today. I can`t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Whoever said “two wrongs don’t make a right” has obviously never experienced McDonalds breakfast after a night of binge drinking.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I`d go on a road trip with my mom.
Copy this and paste it in your status if you know someone, or have heard of someone who knows someone.. If you don´t know anyone, or even if you´ve heard of someone who doesn´t know anyone, then do still copy this. It´s important to spread the message. Oh and the hearts ? ? ? ? For crap´s sake, don´t forget the hearts! ? ? ? ?
I need to find a woman that loves me for my money....but doesn`t understand math. (<>..,<>)