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The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
Why don`t prison inmates just use liquid soap?
They’re called scents, not flavors, I should not able to taste your perfume or cologne.
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old...
If I had known "cuties" were little oranges when my wife asked me to "bring a few home," I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
My worst ideas have all either started or ended with having no pants on.
My brain contains a few things I should know and the rest is just song lyrics.
My house is not messy. Those are just obstacles I`ve put in place for burglars.
Today was about as much fun as a warm toilet seat in a public restroom!
There is 2 address we will always know by heart, 1: Our Own, and 2: P. Sherman 42 wallyby way Sydney!
I would really like to help you move your furniture tomorrow, but I’m going to be too busy sitting on mine.
Step aside coffee… this is a job for booze.
My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.
Jingle bells johnny smells, amelia ruled the show, frankies okay, marcus is gay, little mix all the way.. HAY !!!