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Olympic Mens Ice Hockey USA vs Canada. Loser keeps Justin Bieber.
I hope these bad jokes distract you from the fact you`re getting screwed. - Car insurance commercials
I`m all over that like a fat kid on a Smarty
Don`t ever, ever EVER!!! Touch a crazy man`s food!!! I will STAB YOU WITH A SPOON!
Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
I noticed you`re not yourself today. I really like it.
I`m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"
If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night the rice will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.
I could write an entire book on excuses,,, but I have to pick my grandma up at the airport.
Dear person reading this, just want you to know that someone cares about you. It`s not me, but I`m sure someone does...
“I’m not washing it, I’m just gonna shove it in a pony.” If you’re a girl, that sentence is actually ok.
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.
I`m at that "licking peanutbutter off a spoon" time to go grocery shopping point....
I think my phone has a Miley virus,It stopped twerking