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I’m starting to think that the gym isn’t really for me. I went this morning and laid down on the mat to do some sit-ups. I woke up 2 hours later.
I told you I was trouble. You should have listened to me instead of staring at my boobs.
I`m all over that like a fat kid on a Smarty
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on? Asking for a friend.
Have you ever laughed so hard that no sound comes out and you sit there clapping your hands like a retarded seal?
I`m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out. We are going to watch tv.
Glad McDonald`s don`t serve hotdogs, I don`t think I could order a McWeiner with a straight face.
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me more than a week to realize that I`m not at work anymore....
Often think if I`d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
I`ve found that the things I`m most interested in aren`t really in my best interest.
Google image results are like a party that starts off exactly how you expected and gets weirder the longer you stay.
The bad news is I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. The good news is I no longer give a crap.
I hate it when people upload song lyrics as their status`s it reminds me of somebody i used to know
Car alarms should sound like two chicks in a fight. I`d look out the window for that.