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Laundry is like sex in reverse: you drop in a load, everything gets wet, then rolls around and ends up dry and neatly folded.
Its that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.
It`s not their fault, per se, but at some point, Crayola has to be held responsible for continuing to make crayons nostril-width.
It`s such a cold winter this year that the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far 3 of my neighbors have disappeared...
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I`m always like, "I love you," and they`re like, "Thank you for choosing Pizza Hut."
I never wanted to grow up, I just wanted to be tall enough to reach the cookies.
After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn`t want to hear. "Who was that?"
Why did they send me to this white room? Do they think I`m crazy? Do they think I`m ...HOLY CRAP THE WALLS ARE FLUFFY!!!
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work. I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
From all these shows I`ve watched it seems like snipers lay down a lot of the day....I`d probably be pretty good at that job.
Im out like a fat kid playing dodge ball
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.