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Do you ever have the urge to tell someone to shut up even when they aren`t talking?
I hope I never get to the age when my body can forecast the weather.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting...
Why is it called when animals attack? It should be called when retarded people go near dangerous animals.
Sometimes, in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
If I had any self control I`d probably eat that too.
Breakfast in bed probably means you are dating someone. Dinner in bed means you`re probably single.
There are 2 types of people in this world, those who press “door close” in the elevator before others can jump on & those who are liars.
Relationship Status: ( ) Single ( ) In a Relationship ( ) Married ( ) Engaged ( ) Divorced (X) Waiting for a miracle
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
The "I got your nose" game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she`ll call security.
You think you love your family but suddenly there`s three of you and one remaining slice of pizza.
I wish I was Robinson Cruso. Coz, I can have `Friday` everyday :) TGIF guys..cheers ;)
Newton`s third law of emotion. For every male action there is a female overreaction.
I carry a knife, but it`s just in case of cake.