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I don`t ever need to go sky diving or bungee jumping. Leaving a pizza in the oven while I make a quick run to Walgreens is about all the adrenaline rush I can handle.
If people are what they eat, some people must eat a lot of stupid.
Soul mates are people with the mutual understanding that no one else will put up with their sh!t.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
I Don’t answer text messages right when I get them so I don’t seem desperate. Then, I forget about them and never respond.
Did you know that doughnuts make your clothes shrink?
I will stop drinking when Captain Morgan puts his foot down.
My neighbour has diabetes and now she won`t make me cupcakes anymore, its like bad things always happen to me.
I`m sorry, I live in the U.S. so I don`t really get the metric system. How much exactly is "in moderation"?
I`m just looking for a reason not to drink
When I`m home alone and I walk into the basement, I start talking out loud about all the karate I know.
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.
Growing up we were so poor. If I wasn`t a boy I would have had nothing to play with.
can´t find Sesame Street on my GPS. Can you tell me how to get there?