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Today`s secret word is "epic". When someone says the secret word scream real loud and punch them in the face.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 17 books and showered.
Lots of people waiting in lines today. Did a new iPhone just come out?
You know you watch too much porn when you go to a hospital expecting a threesome.
I hate people that don’t know the difference between “your” and “you’re”. Their so stupid…….
"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
Sometimes I feel like giving up...Then I remember I have a lot of motherf*ckers to prove wrong
Four words that I never want to hear: we`re out of beer
Today is the 1st anniversary of the end of the world. Can you believe it`s been a year since the world ended? Time sure flies when it`s the apocalypse.
Learned today that it`s about 12 min after realizing there`s no TP in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an I-pad
Jehovah`s witnesses would probably be welcomed into more houses if they brought booze or cookies.
Someday, the time I waste deciding what to watch on Netflix will be shorter than the actual time watching it