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Best thing about being single… -no drama -no fighting -no crying -no feelings -no confusion -no worries -no PROBLEMS!
Know why a room full of married people looks so empty? There’s not a Single person in it…
Sometimes all you need, is 500 million dollars.
I wonder if any Disney managers ever start a meeting off with "What kind of Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"
Yesterday was international ninja day and I didn`t even know. Well played ninja day, well played.
A trail of clothes leading to my bedroom means that I dropped them on the way from the dryer
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
I’m working on my resume. Should I use the term “mad skillz” or would “mad skills” be more formal?
Ever update an app and realize the "fixed issues" were all a lie and it will never be the same? That`s what going back to an ex is like.
Even this posting will offend some people, hopefully.
I totally understand how batteries feel because I`m never included in things either
Why would I pay someone to scare me at a haunted house when I could just open a can of biscuits at home?
everyone is BEAUTIFUL in there own way--your just to UGLY to see that
Golf is such a strange game. You shout four, shoot six, and write down five.
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.