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"Ramen." - Scooby Doo finishing a prayer.
How do bats hang upside down without crapping on themselves?
My retirement plan is just $1,000 & a plane ticket to wherever these kids are living on 15 cents a day.
"I`m sorry" and "I apologise" mean the same thing...except when you`re at a funeral.
Irish Handcuffs: Holding a beer in each hand.
Reasons why I never let my girlfriend touch my phone. 1. I don`t have a girlfriend.
I told my wife that I have a sexual satisfaction guarantee policy. If you`re not completely satisfied, we`ll just do it all over again. Guaranteed.
Wow, I didn`t know my ex was into orgies until I saw the ad on Craig`s list I just posted.
I`m flattered that you took time out from your lack of a life to judge mine.
I’m not surprised you’re having problems I had a bad experience with your reality once too.
Next time you ride on a roller coaster, take some spare bolts with you and just as it starts to move, tap the person in front of you and say, "these just fell out of your seat."
“That’s funny” is something I say when I can’t even fake a laugh.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
The corner of my bathtub is also referred to as "The Shampoo Bottle Graveyard"
It`s no fun if you have permission.