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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years? Me: Probably still mirrors.
Who the hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere just let one in your home and it becomes your cat.
MISSED CONNECTION: I gave you the Heimlich maneuver on Maine St. You insisted you weren’t choking and put up a good fight.
If thought bubbles appeared above my head, I`d be screwed.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, and that’s how science works.
Some people should be very grateful I don`t have mob connections.
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, "Do you know what tomorrow is?" and watch the panic set in.
"Nineteen letters long" is 19 letters long.
One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.
Someone told me once that to have more confidence during sex, put in a live concert album while doing it. That way, you will hear applause every 3-4 minutes but I did it wrong. Accidentally put in a live concert album and all I heard was laughter!
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
I don`t know why I think I could survive the Zombie Apocalypse, I cant even handle the puff of air at the eye doctor.
A panda never pays his bills, because he eats shoots and leaves!!!
I dropped my affordable health care because I couldn`t afford it .
I`m sorry. . . I didn`t mean to stare. . . it`s just that I have never seen stupid of this magnitude up close before