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So much of my day is just keeping myself distracted until it`s time to eat again.
Ran out of post-it notes, now I don`t know how to remind myself to buy more.
"Man, you know your bible verses forwards and backwards" - said no one ever
they say "money cant buy happiness" but money pays for my internet connection and my vodka so im thinking maybe "they" are wrong
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
When I`m happy, I drink and when I drink, I`m happy. Win/Win!!
You know you`re broke when your Bologna Does Not have a first name!
I`m at my most likable before you get to know me.
lord, we beg you for tupac, and in return you can have justin bieber
The key to a woman`s heart is making her laugh...just make sure she`s not laughing at the size of your junk.
I`m opening a bar called The Office. You`re welcome guys. "Be home soon sweetie, I`m at The Office"
Being an adult is mostly waiting to leave places you didn`t want to go to in the first place.
People that do stuff- what’s your secret?
funny status idea: a funny and popular one
I just hope people who say "Jesus is my co-pilot" realize he`s a 1st century carpenter with no time in a flight simulator.