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I hate it when teachers say, “You think it’s funny?” Obviously it is, if it wasn’t I wouldn’t be laughing
You know you`re getting old when speed limits start to seem reasonable to you.
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
I assume people with dark tinted windows pick their nose more aggressively than the rest of us.
Defeat....the feeling you get when you realize the "next" level is just as hard......
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: "None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare."
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Marriage: where all the excitement, laughter and sex is gone but she’s still there.
Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin` strips. Let`s see if the customers notice.
One day I shall rule the World! Until then, I am going to bed. Good Night :D
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
Friends don’t let friends twerk.
Don`t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like "always punch holes in the box so they can breathe."
I’m having a free beer contest tonight. The 1st person to bring me a case of beer gets to watch me drink it. FOR FREE!