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I have to wonder why we have "non-essential" government employees in the first place.
Yesterday I jokingly asked my wife what she was burning for dinner. Turns out it was all my personal belongings.
I feel sorry for historians, they have such a hard time letting go of the past.
The question isn’t who is going to let you; it’s who is going to stop you.
All the coffee beans in South America can`t make me a morning person.
"Safely remove USB." Who does that?
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
When asked `What would you bring with you to a deserted island`, how come no one ever replies, `A boat.`?
Wish some of my co workers weren`t allowed in the break room... Because that`s who I usually need a break from.
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
May have put up a few too many Christmas lights. A 747 just landed in the backyard.
My internet was down for almost 4 mins,im ok but the 911 operator was a total b**ch about it!
Browsing the internet when bored is like the virtual version of checking the refrigerator...
Releasing a long silent fart as I walk through first class on the way to my economy seat is definitely my favorite part of boarding an aircraft.
It`s always fun to act like you don`t see the person running to catch the elevator your in just as the door starts closing.