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If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors and all of them got laid.
Someday we’ll look back on all this and pretend not to remember it.
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
None of the animals I designed and invented are at the zoo. Do they even check the suggestion box?
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I`ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
The best sign of a healthy relationship is no sign of it on Facebook.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
According to my nipples, there is a 99% chance it`s cold as hell right now!
If I had to describe myself with one word it would be "Doesn`t understand directions".
I saw a man at the beach screaming, "Help, shark, help!" I laughed because I knew the shark wasn`t going to help him.
I`ve decided that throughout the time period starting with Thanksgiving, continuing on to Christmas and ending on New Years Day, the term `Calories" regarding all food shall be referred to as "Deliciousness Points."
Rabbits jump & they live for 8 yrs. Dogs run & they live for 15 yrs. Turtles don’t do anything & they live for 150 years. LESSON LEARNED!
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the "tasty" box.
Anyone know how much snow is too much snow not to go to the liquor store?