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My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it`s there to stab potential taco thieves.
!that embarrasing moment when you fake a call then a real one comes...!lol.
This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it`s contagious.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
My next pet is going to be named "Peeve."
A recent survey of one person reveals that 100% of me thinks I should leave work early.
It`s been close to a million years since I exaggerated about anything.
Whenever a buddy of mine wants to borrow something, I remind them that everything I own has touched my balls.
Why doesn`t, "I have a headache!" work for when I don`t want to mow the yard?
Yes, Facebook says we`re `friends` but, trust me, I wouldn`t hesitate to punch you in the face.
I admit ive been known to wrap bacon in bacon just for the extra bacon flavor
The realization that Netflix knows me better than my closest friends....
Fun Game: Walk down a hallway with both arms outstretched to the walls while shouting, "Hug me or turn around!!!"
If you love something,, let it go..... That`s EXACTLY what I`ve done with my body....
Of all the horrible ways to die I think healthy eating sounds the most painful.