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Oh you better not pout. You better not cry. You better not shout I`m telling you why. Nobody gives a f*ck.
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
My number one rule to live by is: Don’t die.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
should probably get my daily dose of calcium.. white russians it is
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is. She`s not dead, just very condescending.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then.
The only hunger games i care about involve plastic hippos.
I always put in a full eight hours at work. Spread out over the course of the week.
Admit it, we’ve all hidden our favorite food from the rest of our family.
When reality kicks in… add more booze.
My ex said he would die for me. All I`m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, I’d like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.