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I`m actually a really good driver, when Facebook is down.
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
United should roll out Rodeo Rewards where you get paid based on how long you are able to stay on the plane when you are chosen to volunteer.
I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.
Do women know that it`s perfectly legal to apply makeup at home before they get in their car?
If Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together would they call it Amazon Web Services?
You`ve never been truly drunk until you`ve had to use a barstool as a walker to get home.
A slug is just a divorced snail.
And now it`s too hot outside to take down the Christmas lights
If life was easy, we wouldn`t need alcohol.
if ever you need NOTHING, im here for you.
I can bench 250 lbs. And by that, I mean, I can sit myself down on a bench in a local park.
I need to adjust the brightness settings for my future.
Remember when people had diaries & got mad when someone read them? Now they put everything online and get mad when people don`t
Welcome to my bedroom,this is where the magic happens.....and by that I mean this is where I read my Harry Potter books.