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I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
Just because they sell yoga pants in XXL doesn`t mean it`s ok to wear them in public.
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
I wish I had my own private chauffeur. . . . Then I could really commit to being an alcoholic!
"Well that can`t be right." - dogs watching us catching balls with our hands
Some people are such treasures that you really just wanna bury them.
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
Education is a process where we waste one half of our life learning how to waste the other half of our life!!
Most people are lucky they can’t hear what I’m thinking.
If the breakfast club took place now, all those kids would just be silently texting about their sh!tty Saturday & never make friends w/ each other.
Lightning is like God`s way of saying "Get out of that tree you pervert!"
Weekends r like d salary.. It takes a lot to get thr, & whn it finally does, it`s over in no time ;) - aa
Back in my day we had 9 planets.
I`ll be glad when it`s warm enough to pee outside