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Dear college students, Sorry about your GPA. - Netflix
If I ignored you any harder, we`d be married.
if the shoe fits wear it , if it too tight take it off
Its funny how your friends change , Meet new people and forget about you . :( But just know i`ll still be in your heart?
If anyone every texts me “who is this” I always respond “Jake from state farm”
When people ask how my childhood was, I say "Pretty good, so far."
Last night I meant to tell my kids "Good night, I love you", but it came out as "Thank god you go back to school on Thursday because this is bulls**t."
When people say things like "You can`t change the past" I can`t help but wonder what it must be like to have that brilliant of a mind.
I recently jumped on the back of my psychologist and started counting...1...2...3 and he was so suprised asking me what I was doing and I answered offendedly: "Well you`re the one who said I could always count on you !"
An important phone call is something that occurs when there`s no better excuse to ignore someone.
I`m glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.
People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.
I could scroll down my Facebook page and write a country song!!
The "Beware of Cat" sign posted outside my house doesn`t seem to be having the desired affect.