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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
I always keep a google search for "how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them" open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?
"I am upping my standards... so up yours!"
I don`t get personal trainers. I`ve never been exercising and thought "man, I wish someone hot was criticizing me right now."
May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
I watched my first porn movie today. I looked so much younger back then...
Life`s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I like to reward myself for getting up on time by laying in bed for another 20 minutes.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a normal pigeon.
I think people who use "go fly a kite" as an insult don`t really understand kites or insults.
My decision making skills closely resemble that of a squirrel crossing the street.
You`re right, vodka. This is the perfect time to use a hammer.
Can I get likes for no reason?
all joking aside, think how many babies might be created tonight on valentines day