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Summer vacation: Where you drink triple, see double and act single.
is on a Mission. The magic leprechaun told me to follow the pink racehorse to the rainbow where the orange elephant is holding my skittles hostage
Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
Plan B includes margaritas.
The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
If you don`t put your leftovers in Tupperware for like at least two weeks before throwing it in the trash... you`re doing it wrong.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
I`m happy, but not "Oprah just told me to look under my chair" happy.
I`m always on the verge of running three miles, or drinking a bottle of Vodka
Some mornings it`s best to just fill the sink with coffee, dunk your head in it, and suck.
Let’s all agree to stop saying “I read about it somewhere” and admit that we saw it on Law and Order.
Hey ladies! Great news! Those low riding, butt crack, hip hugger jeans are coming back in style!
Sorry, Mr. Homeless Guy, here’s the story. I’m in college. I work part time and I can only support one of our alcohol problems.
Forgotten pocket money is the best!
Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love by what they see. That’s why most women wear makeup and most men lie.