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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
I just called. To say. I texted you.
You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
There`s a difference between having a unique name and a common name that`s spelled wrong.
I accidentally wore green today. And I probably will be drunk later but NOT because it`s St. Patrick`s Day, because it`s Monday.
I think for Halloween I am going to go as Karma. Some of you should be worried.
Saying that your company has been in business since the 1800`s isn`t a selling point. Slavery existed then too...
I’m supporting our troops today by going commando.
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
Engineers: "okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it"
I`m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they`ve won the Canadian lottery.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth … and drink all the vodka inside … It seems to help
I just blew all my party money on bills again
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
When someone says "Surprise me", I quickly drop my pants.