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Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on.
"Rear facing, pedal activated photon cannon" sounds much more badass than "brake lights"
Momma left strict instructions to knock you out.
Based on how many times I`ve dropped my phone, I`m gonna hold off on the whole baby thing.
The key to successful relationships is not to start any.
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I`m back. Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Peanut butter and jelly. That´s what I like in my belly
A slug is just a divorced snail.
Hoodie Footie Pajamas from Pajamagram; because nothing tells a girl you love her like giving her something to cover up her body from head to toe before she gets in your bed.
I simply haven’t seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking.
People who get out of the car and actually have a sit down meal inside McDonald`s scare me.
Never underestimate a woman`s ability to make you feel responsible and guilty for her mistakes.
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.
Don’t you hate when the person you’re Facebook-stalking never updates anything.