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When I hear a person say "My Mom didn`t raise no dummy", I feel like saying "She lied to you"
Dear axe body spray, Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles. Best regards, Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
I don’t need a reason to enjoy a little wine. All I need is a glass.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
"Hot singles in your area want nothing to do with you." -Honest spam
I made a New Years Resolution to gain 20 lbs, so I can relish in the sense of accomplishment and success!
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
Saying you like one political party over another, is like saying one filthy whore is prettier than the other filthy whore.
joined a nudist colony last week ... the first few days were the hardest!
If Starbucks delivered, I would be a morning person.
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
My best stories always end with the words ... "and then I got the hell out of there."
I just slammed hard on the brakes and found 3 lighters, $4.67 in change, condom box, empty flask, half an 1/8th, and a puppy.
Gonna try out my new drinking game tonight... 1. Turn on the news. 2. Take a drink every time the word FERGUSON is said!
I hope when Bruce Willis dies, it`s from a Viagra overdose. That way the headline can read "Bruce Willis Died Hard".