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Some relationships are like fat people, they don`t Workout!!
"Try to score a goal. Don`t use your hands. See you afterwards." - Soccer coaches
Law and Order is just Blue`s Clues for adults.
Don´t wait for the perfect moment. Take the moment and make it perfect.
I hate it when I`m singing a song and the artist keeps messing up the words.
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
Nobody notices your pain, your happiness, your sadness, your state of mind. But everyone notices it when you fart in public
Whenever someone says they did something, "like a boss", I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are merely taking credit for it.
A man who scratches his butt should not bite fingernails!
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
If anyone tells you, you have ADHD. Pay no attention.
I just kicked a can in my driveway and somehow ended up with a goal against Brazil.
People keep thinking that I care ... Wierd.
When I was a kid...no wait, I still do that.