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People should mute themselves on conference calls when they are crossing a battlefield and killing enemies to get to the next level.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors house, they`re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
How the hell do you call Batman during the day?
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
Just saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster, I had to step in, They couldn`t even lift him, We high-fived & laughed
When I was your age, we had to walk ten miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can´t remember the other two.
Breaking news: Newt saw his shadow. Six more weeks of campaigning and attack ads.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
These bar stools are creaky!! [continues to fart on first date]
The fact “gorilla” does not rhyme with “tortilla” infuriates me.