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If people say you`re acting "really weird," take it as a compliment that you usually only act semi-weird and now you`re totally nailin` it.
I met a girl who told me that she broke up with her last boyfriend because he just didn`t work out. Which is when I knew, she wasn`t the one for me, as I hate to work out as well.
My "Do Not Disturb" facial expression is not working today.
Million dollar idea: A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I`m tired of things costing money
Only awesome people are allowed to ‘LIKE’ this status!
My favorite part about your rant on how much you hate social media sites was when you posted it from a social media site.
On the bright side, it’s Friday Eve Eve Eve.
The wife almost caught me browsing on Facebook, but I quickly clicked over to a porn site. That was close.
I wonder where superman changes now that there are no more phone booths
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she`s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
I party like a rockstar. A very poor rockstar who isn`t in a band.
I already know that I`m going to hell ... At this point it`s really go big or go home.
Pizza doesn’t ask questions. Pizza understands.
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.