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I feel like I`m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don`t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Let’s all take a moment and be thankful spiders can’t fly.
I pretend to like people everyday. It`s called being an adult. That`s why we`re allowed to buy booze.
Don`t worry about the grass on the other side. It`s not your grass.
I always walk through my office with a stern look on my face and a toilet plunger to avoid conversations.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
they say money cant buy you happiness but id much rather be crying in a fararri...
According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low…Well, sure, it’s hard to steal a car when the owner’s living in it…
Having a mohawk used to mean you were tough. Now it means you’re a 3 year-old with annoying parents.
My dentist said I grind at night. I was like, ok stalker.
I always stop to help women who have broken down on the road. I don`t know sh!t about cars, but I do know how porn starts off. -Bfanch
Sorry a remote fell out when you took off my bra
Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you can just plow thru Uranus because it`s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.
Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.